What Have I Really Left For Myself?

There are two things that pierce the human heart : moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish we had never begun.
Now, I'm choosing the latter.

People demand for honesty.
And I just don't know, but I've been fairly honest to people most of the time.
Sometimes,I'm just way too straightforward.
But I don't know why life's been badly unfair in bringing me acquaintances with people who've badly lived a life on it.
Yes, they did.
They rant at it.
They can afford to take on what they wanted for people to believe.
And make it look like, they're heavenly innocent and they're not bringing people down.
In the end, they'll surely get the final laugh.
For they're able to trap and fool people.
No, I'm not holding grudge against anyone.
Just writing in purpose in travail of the experience for this regard.
Now, it's so difficult to trust anyone.
People you crossed along with are just masks of random intentions.
I have to double-think.
And maybe get some chill in my father's place for a while.
Just got to live myself the way I did when everything's still fine.
I have too many best of friends (*Hey Blog, you're one of them) and a very good family to count on than just insist myself to people who make betrayal a hobby pie in disguise.
I wasn't able to leave any amor propio lately.
I'm emotionally sick, really.
Martyrdom is a crime.
But I'm hoping to hold on my conviction this time.
This time is different.
It's just too sad to think that certain things have to end this way.


Gab at 20

When I thought of turning 20, the first thing that came into my mind is not about adding another year in my age and how it reminds me that a year has passed again since my last birthday.It's more of thinking that being 20 unfolds all the memories of childhood that I had and the beginning of another chapter of my life - which I think for sure will be quite mature this time.

This year's birthday is really amazing. My family prepared for it. Relatives and cousins joined the celebration. This is the first time after 5 years that I am celebrating my birthday at home. It's because I always celebrate my birthday somewhere else these recent years because of different programs and competitions. The most memorable ones are the birthdays in Enchanted Kingdom in 2007 and in Japan last year. This year is still the best so far. A lot of people made me feel special. First, of course, are my GAMARKA friends.

Karen and Ceas gave me the earliest greetings. By the way, Karen made that birthday graphic in the top and Ceas made that GAMARKA ♥ . A lot of special people called and texted me. Then so many random people from different acquaintances greeted me in Facebook. And to someone I love, I appreciate that midnight greeting. Surprises came in, most especially from my uncles and aunts. Best surprise is from my Tita Dina.

Then we had a post-birthday celebration at Forest Park with my family. Really a wonderful place. But quite expensive, and you need to have your own car when you get there.

I think this birthday is just the paramount event to all the happy things that happened to me this semester. Yes! I'm still a student and since I spend more time in school than at home in a year, most of the happy things to thank for are quite related to school.

The first thing is all about the cheque.Every time I get to recall this thing, it's the idea of carelessness that seeps into my mind. I know I'm careless.But this experience really thought me so much of lessons that I could apply in the future.I'm happy because this money contributed well to enable our attendance in the 23rd MPDC.

And since we're now talking about MPDC. The 23rd MPDC is a real blast. I didn't have much expectations for this competition. I've told Jay-r well before this tournament that I'm afraid we might not break, or no IIT team will break. This is because I've never broken in Asians Debate yet in the past. But then, all of a sudden, and with God's grace, we (the two teams) topped the eliminations and ranked as Top 1 and Top 2 in the breaks. After this, I've got so much motivation to win. I always tell myself that I should take every round one step at a time. Before the announcement was done on who will be the Grand Finalists, Calvin asked me on my goal for this tournament. He asked if I am already satisfied being in the Grand Finals or do we still have to win it all the way. Then I told him that we should win this tournament. And we did! We ended up as Champions. It's not the thought of gaining fame in the debate community, or having streamers in school or whatever, it's the thought that with prayers, effort and a clear goal, you will really achieve what you want in the end. I am very happy with the varsity. And how we've grown from just being the debate underdog of Mindanao. Now, we're recognized both in Mindanao and Visayas after winning 2 regional debate tournaments this year. To all the efforts of our coaches and advisers, Maam Mar, Maam Piyet, Maam Fat and to Sir Dar, it's a well paid-off investment. And I'm glad I'm part of this victory.

Another happy thing that happened to me this semester is when the US Embassy called me that I will be part of the 2011 Study of the United States' Summer Institute on New Media and Politics. I am just so happy when I got this letter of acceptance to the program and get informed that we will be staying in Muncie,Indiana for four weeks and a 1 week tour to different parts of United States on June 27-July 31st. I know that this is way shorter than the UGRAD program which I initially applied for. But I've realized how there are great plans along the way set for us. Maybe because when I leave for a year, I have to stop studying here and when I come back,I'm already a year behind to my block mates. Right now,I'm happy with what I have.

The final blast for the semester is when I successfully passed all my subjects this semester. Yeah, I know I've been quite crazy this semester. I don't study well, I spend a lot, I stopped working, and all those things. But all those things will never be thrown to regrets. Nothing to regret, really. Maybe, at this point, I just have to thank Rod for helping me with my academics. He makes 25 % of my grade. HAHAHA. But I promise to never be complacent anymore. I have to work on my own now and should not depend on someone else. Oh, I just hope it will be any real now.

And lastly, I want to thank the opportunities coming somewhere I don't know , it brought me someone so special in my life . She makes me happy extremely. I love her. That's cheesy and way corny, but that's true. ♥

This year, I just have to bring more of myself. Someone more mature and undisturbed with my busy schedules. I'll give time for my academics and spend more time with my friends. I'm also thinking of giving more time with MYCOP, if it's possible. I miss volunteering and going to far places in the rurals. I'll just take any opportunity that might cross my way. But as how I plan things out, I should iron out the hierarchy of my interests. More productive, more responsible and more strategic with my choices.



Image Courtesy of Dreamstine.com
I'm supposed to write "Stages of Human Life". But it popped out into my mind. I'm not going to write about life per say, but the emotions that are attached in every stage of the life driven and how exactly do we deal with it.

The first stage is CHILDHOOD.

During childhood, you learn values from home. You come to contrast these values with what is being taught in school. In our primary years, we learn how to be good and to be bad. Pretty off, it's not exclusive in this context. But it's where the paramount validation of that learning comes in. We learn how to play basic games that teaches us sportsmanship. It geared us basic concepts that the society we are into is filled with hierarchy of leadership where accountability lies. We elect President of the Class, Prince and Muse, or even the cleaners for the day. These concepts are simple things we come to neglect. But it taught us that a place shared by fractions is a direct accountability of its own margins. 

Certain predispositions prop out in open. Say for example,those students who sit in front of the columns are believed to be intelligent. And those who are dumb nuggets living in academic shame are placed in Row 4, last seat and near the CR or the trash can. Those are frames of inherent cultures that were imbued on us, yet the principle behind it was never corrected at all. In elementary, we learn to have crushes. We develop emotions toward someone we prefer because of the social nature that preference is bounded by physical attributes. But later on, we realize that there are diverse landscapes of preference. In our primary years, we tend to create social bonds. Sometimes, tensions arise but were never taken seriously. Because in childhood, emotions are immature and temporal attachments only remain temporal. It's a time of exploration and shallow perception of life, of relationships and of emotions. It's like a playground that carves our dreams and futures.

During HIGH SCHOOL, we come to explore more. We have a better grasp of life. We tend to carry certain obligations and attest to them already. Like the fact that we seem to fear getting failure grades because we might disappoint our parents or when we start practicing better hygiene in fear of bumping underdressed in front of our crushes. All these things are start-offs to accountability. And we become better individuals for ourselves.

But beyond that, we compare even more. We compare our lifestyles to others. We compare our social placement, familial status, comparative disadvantages and all other things. These are things bounded with acquaintances that trigger you to do so. If you feel disadvantaged, you crave for better. That is where the spice to life enter the scenario. 

But more than all these things, we come to learn more of affection.And that is the sad reality that is very very clean. I don't know if it's a good idea to engage into love this early. High school should be all about academic expansions, and pursuit of whatever endeavors you exercise. But whatever it is that you feel, the maturity scales tell you it's purely infatuation. 

But in the crucial part of College, there's a big dichotomy. First is for those individuals who overtook everything that I lamented about earlier - responsibility. These people, not necessarily unaware of their options, got stringed towards having children at a young age. Second is for those who cannot afford to go into college unless you get a well-off scholarship that's going to springboard your ability to study. And third is for those who finally made their way to university in purpose because they're capable.

Whatever that purpose would be, the fact of the matter is, you are now a college student. In college years, you build the foundation of emotions that you will bring into your entire life. The way you deal with problems and challenges are facets to how you respond with trials in the actual cycle. And that is why every action that you do in college is a reflection of what you're gonna be in the future.

You can be hardworking, spend the years flirting, or leap out of focus and have extra-curricular commitments. Either way, the only thing you realize in the end is the brunt of consequences you encounter for all the choices that you've had. Yes, you can opt to balance but that comes at the expense of what facilitates best your emotional maturity. Simply put, if you're a college student or at least in the age of a college student, you should be mature enough.You are the one making yourself and you're setting your own path to where you belong. Don't leave it all to predestination. Everything can be set by your own actions. 

In college, things are way crucial. Engagement to work is crucial to academics. Engagement into love might be crucial to rationality. Once you fall in love in college, it's very difficult to move on. It's like a trap of affection that seemingly blew you off in the gray body and there's no way out at all. But things that we value greater before that love was made are things that can ensue your salvation. And make them as a tool for you to move forward. Never be blown by love in its entirety, for it might be late that you realize, you don't deserve the love you once thought was real.Or if it's any real, then fine to make constructive engagement. But always leave something for yourself. People who are blown by love get out of focus, except love. After all, the greatest best friend you have is yourself, and no one else. And these emotional attachments still need validation through the seasons.

It's a matter of how of how you balance it. It's a matter of how you deal with your emotions. 


How Exactly Should We Deal With Love?

Things happen too fast. In a moment, we never know we're totally swallowed by love, and nothing remains for ourselves.
It's like a trap that you can't easily let go. And if ever you will, you have to bleed and take the risk.
Relationships are ties that are common to us.
Everyone in this world are fruits of the word we called "relationship".
Some relationships are fruits of curiosity. While some are the bounties of life maturity.
Sometimes, relationships are not declared. It's mutually taken.
Some relationships are declared, but are not heartfelt taken.
These diverse aspects of love, and its effort to level the horizon of two romantic entities, are ultimate challenges to the definition of what love really is.
We say no one can define love except ourselves.
For when any famous writer attempted to define what love is, we come to question their ascendancy to take a stance on something they haven't experienced yet.
Or when we get to read the novels of authors who we presume have lived a good lovelife, the ultimate assumption is everything applies to us as well.
This is the myriad of veracity that we cannot fully insinuate.
Because we're blinded with the idea that anyone who took ahead is always right on the process.
But it's case-to-case basis.
That is why we need to parallel this with how a person is unique to anyone else.
How much more someone attached to another?
Indeed, a relationship is built of foundations of what these people invest for that love.
If they lived of lies, the foundation of that love will be broken because of lies as well.
If they shared their hearts and fueled it with compassion, the foundation is strong, you have mutual concessions right there, then we can say that petty storms are way small waves to destroy its walls.

Here are some of the love quotes I've got from famous movies:

City Of Angels
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

When Harry Met Sally
I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Alex and Emma
Some things are not meant to last, they just take a place in your heart and make you smarter the next time.

Runaway Bride
I guarantee that we’ll have tough times, and I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life cause I know in my heart you’re the only one for me.

The Hot Chick
You are the only person that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

The Princess Bride
Death cannot stop true love; it can only delay it for a little while.

Moulin Rouge
The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

My Best Friend’s Wedding
If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moment just… passes you by.

Fried Green Tomatoes
I wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have.

Good Will Hunting
Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

Forces of Nature
I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble, I mean if there is you have to make it, I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, we can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that’s what makes us who we are and those are the real memories.

I do love the Hot Chick part.But I particularly like Moulin Rouge as a movie.

How exactly should we deal with love?
I think the answer is within us.
The best person who can answer things that concerns your heart is yourself.
But remember, love is never plain as it is.
As you came in this world of diversity, expect that differences might suave to challenge your ways.
But at the same time, the real vigor to hold on is the passion that burns when real love exists.
And make that as a tool for you to find your common grounds beyond differences ; a tool for you to strengthen your relationship and respect each others' interest.


Youth and Nation-Building

If it seems difficult to understand, what do we usually say?

Most of us would say that the teacher doesn't know how to teach, we don't have enough resources, we complain of the difficulty of the subject matter, and things like that. Maybe, it's about choosing the best scapegoat that would reason out when we fail at the end of the semester. And I've seen different people with different scars of life, trying to do this all the way. If it's how the youth of today think, where do we find the light of optimism that Rizal used to insinuate?

If you try to look at it, a lot of factors make the youth complacent. It's not just about computer games, and not just about doing nothing to be more active as a youth. I believe that there's something wrong with the culture that we used to imbue to the youth. And precisely the reason why there seems to be an unending roster of youthful generations we expect to do the change.

I, being part of the sector at stake, also feel stagnancy. It's not just an everyday routine, but I think it's a cycle that encompasses generations. And I always ask myself, what kind of change can we expect the world to bear? Or is change an elusive word to cap on our mistakes, yet we still do it over and over again?

Being a student-leader, I always vie to make everyday somewhat productive. Then the next day I realize, I haven't been as productive as I expect myself to be. Because if it was, I couldn't have lost certain opportunities propping out in the myriad in efforts of seeking for a greener pasture. Either way, this world is lured of competition. Indeed, if we don't compete, we feel bored. Competition spices everything. We embraced the reality that it's a necessary precondition for us to do better.

If you try to look at the youths around you, people live asserting themselves over others. When you see students playing "Defense of the Ancients" in Internet cafe's, it seems like the competition is too extreme. Young people are enticed to join exchange programs, and given the limited slots, they contest for the best CVs and references.
People are always of diverse interests. And we can never standardize what they should do all the time. But given this context, I think there's a need to look at what exactly transcends on the perception of a youth. And I think it's culture.

Youth subscribe to a norm you wanted to subject on them. Maybe not all the time, but on most cases, their actions are reflections of the mentality that every actor at stake affect on them. That is the reason why if we do portray barhopping as trendy, they would do that frequently, or at least prop actions as to where its reality lies. If we do consent on youth delinquency, no change will happen.

Of course, culture is something that cannot be directly changed. But the government can do a lot more to shape transformational leaders in the future. I'm not talking of people who will follow the same trend they used to see when they were still any younger. What I am talking of specifically are individuals who would trigger the change that are inherently necessary for national development and would reflect on the lives of the greater majority they used to govern. Those are the same people who would invest primarily on youth empowerment, mobilization of young leaders, and will make it as much as possible to not fractionate these opportunities to certain social groups only. These leaders who are impartial and listens to grievances of young individuals whose intentions are pure at heart, and seeks to strike a balance on all dissenting interests from different parties involved, are the very leaders that we need to initiate the social reform that would make ends meet. Those ends that are longed to achieve, but were left as promises and remained as they are.

After all, change is never an abrupt process. It's taken one step at a time.
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