Content and its Elusiveness

Ever since we entered this world, we embraced the idea that being looked-up is something that one must aspire for.
That aspiration to be successful in any field we'd like to practice is an inherent social mindset that is integrated in the lifeblood of our everyday living.
And as we draw our our own path in search of our destinies, we come to seek for motivations for those goals to be nearer at hand.
Sometimes, the dreams we longed before are there upfront our visage, yet we loosened our grip and failed to take even a tiny grasp of it.
Resilience comes in, and words of encouragement come out in open.
Then another bust of chaste pens your will.
This is life.
We live because of tomorrow.
Indeed, there are times that we do paramount sacrifices just to witness its coming.
We are willing to trade-off things that cross-cuts certain obvious values just to fill the whim.
The sad reality is, caprices are back-offs to these chances.
We grow old, we learn more and more life values, and tend to reproach ourselves for things we could have done in the past.
Sometimes, we blame fate for choosing us to take the option it brought upon us.
Yet, the fact of the matter is, it's an unending search of no one because we're afraid to face the reality that today is the brunt of accountability for things we've done in the past.
Content, is it really existent in this world?
For when the world came to shower earthling blessings, why are certain individuals way ascendant over the other?
Why did history unfold to teach us of social hierarchy that certain individuals can live in their inferiority complex for the rest of their lives?
Maybe, the whole fact of discontent fuels life .
For if it isn't there in the scenario, there's no enough incentive to chase for life in its paramounce.
If it isn't there in the first place, life could have been as plain as clouds that exist in a moment and vanishes at any rate.
Content is elusive.
That is the splice of life that bounds us to where we are today, yearn for more and better.



No words can ever describe my depression today.
I know it's my fault.
If only I've made a rational choice in the past.
This wouldn't happen at all.
Complacency kills.
It swallows me now with the consequences it bared in my path.
I could have done so much for it.
But now it's over.
I need a dosage of resiliency pills.
And a bunch of quotes to gear me up that everything is fine.
I created my own path to hell.
And I should know how to relieve myself from it.


A Touching Blog

This wasn't how I thought I'd find myself at twenty-five.

A thousand and one scenarios had gone through my mind growing
up. I thought I'd be be climbing a career ladder somewhere,
stable and established. I thought I'd have found that annoying
insistence of the idealization of “the one” despite all my
feminist sensibilities. At one point or another, I'd thought I
would already have had a baby (although ideally, I pegged this
scenario at 27 or 28). I thought I'd be making it big. I thought
I'd be this complete, successful individual... taking the world
one article or documentary at a time.

Funny how life decides to slap you awake and make you realize just
how naïve we are to think we can just plan our lives and then fate
will timidly and gladly take that blueprint off our hands and make
all our dreams come true.

Because this is NOT where I thought I'd be. If people had told me
at say, twenty that this is where I'll be at twenty-five, I would
have laughed at their faces and would not have, for a moment,
taken such a ridiculous scenario seriously.

Who knew.

I haven't found "the one" or even just someone and instead just
had my heart broken too many times, I can't even figure out how
I let it happen so many times in the first place. I let go of
“the dream” I built my academic and extra-curricular credentials on
for my entire college existence for a chance at love that turned out
to be one of my worst gambles. I tasted what it felt like to get
published, to write and be read, to do what I love...
but now, I don't know where the dream has gone.

And now at twenty-five, halfway through my twenty-sixth birthday, I
sit here, reeling because life is happening to me this very moment.
Knocked up. Outside of wedlock. Broke. Jobless. Alone. Carrying the
child of a man-boy who is currently my personal version of the devil
incarnate. Writing this post in an effort to figure out what got me
here while waiting in anxious anticipation for the birth of my
daughter which could happen in a few weeks, or any minute. Wondering
where I went wrong. And most importantly, trying to figure out what
kind of life broken, irresponsible, confused me could ever give
this baby.

Oh the self-pity trips I take everyday.

I only got two more pills on my pre-natal meds bottle, an OB
appointment in a few days, two expensive tetanus shots to take and
no idea how to pay for them. I search the net for articles on
pregnancy and skip all the parts that talks about daddy's role.
I resent that stupid Anmum advertisement with the woman that goes
“Now that I'm pregnant, my husband makes sure I do what's best
for me too”. I balk every time people ask me where the dad is and
when I plan to get married because no matter how smoothly I lie,
my eyes always say otherwise.

I wake up every morning and do my daily walk and wonder what
people think when they pass by this pregnant girl walking by
herself on mornings. Do they wonder where her husband is?
Does it show that I care what they think when they look
at me?

Why do I even care anyway?

When I line up for my OB visit and I sit sy-by-side with other
pregnant women with their supportive husbands and partners, I
wonder if they look at me sideways and try to hide their pity.
When I ride in jeepneys and see whole families squished together
going home from the church or mall or whatever, I wonder will
my baby ask herself why she never has a dad to ride jeepneys
or go to church or to the mall with? And when she asks me,
will I ever figure out a way to tell her without highlighting
the brokenness of our little incomplete family?

I never run out of material. I am the oppressed, rejected
heroine in my tragic little teledrama.

But in truth, I am not that naïve.

Not about this at least. As much as I enjoy playing the drama
queen, I know I have no right to pretend to be the victim here.
Fate really isn't the architect of our lives. We are. And
wherever we find ourselves, at any point in our lives, we know
well enough that we constructed the circumstances that led us
there. Okay, maybe fate constructed the circumstances, but how
we responded to those circumstances and those decisions and
choices we made brought us to where we are.

I chose to believe him despite common sense telling me it's a
pile of bullshit. I was the one who willingly allowed myself
to confuse intimacy with love even though I've told myself not
to let that happen. I cried the tears I knew I'd cry even though
I had every opportunity to prevent them and enough experiences
to know better. Or so it seemed.

Right now, I just want to pop a champagne and celebrate my
stupidity with a mirror in front me so I can look at myself
with derision the entire time while I toast at my reflection.

And I really would. If I could take alcohol which I can't.
If I can afford champagne which I also can't.

Which brings me back to my baby. My baby whom I love beyond
reason even though we haven't met. My baby who I already worry
about even though she's not even here yet. My baby who I will
be responsible for forever when I'm not even sure I'm responsible
enough for my self yet.

It's easy to write down the lessons and look at the mess-that-is-
my-life nicely typed in black and white, as if it's all sorted out.
But I know just how confusing it's all going to be when she comes.

Still, the messy confusion of life is what makes it beautiful.
That's where the colors spring from. That's where the stories
come from. It's the stuff that those lasting memories are made
of. And even though, I'm at it again, making another blueprint
for two lives now, I'll re-read this post once in while and
remind myself that it may turn to be a lot different that I
thought it would be in my head and I should always remember
that I'm no longer deciding for myself.

And as much as that feels me with dread, it fills me with
excitement as well. I don't know what kind of mother I'm going
to be. I guess I'll just have to take this parenting thing one
day at a time and hope that five, ten years from now, I'll be
popping champagne celebrating how despite my stupidity, despite
my being me, life is still turning out to be a whole hell of a
lot better than I could ever plan.


Marriage and Love

If you try to analyze the context of a home, you'll find different values that seem to be not obvious. These things lie on the context of a real home existing, where love for each other binds the strength of the family.

But as time goes by, people come to complain a lot. Husbands, for example, complain that their wives are not able suffice their sexual demands. Wives, in return, contest that they're already assuming the paternal responsibility and they can't accept that external obligatory exchanges.

Either way, do all these things couple to the fact that love is stained in the context of marriage? For when couples took their oath to love one another for the rest of their lives, why is love seemingly a diminishing value as marriage continues? Is it really true that there is a measure of what love is? For when history told us that marriage is the ultimate manifestation of your love for that person, why are cases of legal separation in an all time high? Or is love in marriage solely bounded by the legal framework and the use of which is to formalize a social norms that are flexed on the societal acceptance?

When exactly, can we really say that the person we love today is the person really intended for us for the rest of our lives? When this generation has an ultimate tolerance of relationship hopping, why is emotional investment to anyone seem to be a very simple thing for other people to do?

This is life. The sad reality is, despite all the efforts to keep people we wanna treasure in our lives, everyone can hold to their very own discretion. There are choices that we think are best for ourselves, yet most choices are predetermined by social acceptance. In the context of marriage, choices are shared and discussed together most especially if these decisions affect the entire family. If only one party assumes the decision for the rest of the family, it's not going to be a successful marriage. Because monopoly breeds war in marital relationships. 

Inside the frame of marriage, transitional feelings do evolve. The first thing that you feel is love. But beyond that, you need to concede that it's also a matter of lust. Yet love must overcome that longing for physical intimacy,because marriage and love is more than that. But don't undermine its value. It's one of those things that keep you together. 

During marriage, there's an evolution to the feelings that you feel towards your partner. There's a shift towards assumption of responsibility and commitment, not just towards yourselves, but towards society as well. It means that such love is also the love to take the entire responsibility that comes at the cost of pledging that you want to be with that person for the rest of your life. 

But does this automatically dwindle the love you have for that person? The "should-be" answer to that is no. 

Love is when you totally accept a person for who he is, not just on the happy times, but on times when both of you have to bleed for the greater good. It shouldn't be bounded by ages. Holistic acceptance is never encompassed by time. Furthermore, it must be never be stringed with materialism.

The moment you started paying attention to a person, you judge him based on his physical attributes. The next acquaintances are all about getting to know each other. Any negative aspect must be overwhelmed if the feeling is real and genuine.

But love is not as shallow as a physical judgment or a stream in the narrow pile. It has its own depths and problems are just challenges to test the reality of that love. 

One of the biggest choices a person will make for himself, if it isn't, is the choice of which person to marry. Imagine living the rest of your life with a single person, 'till death do you part.That alone badly needs not just double-thinking but thousand times of intuition feeling. If you feel that's it. If you feel like you wanna ennd up with that person for the rest of your life, then fight for it. Because marriage is not a game with an easy escape. You need to live with that commitment. 


Cherry Blossoms

My love for you is like Cherry Blossoms
Through all the seasons, it always comes back
And when it blooms
It's as beautiful as you are.

But there's an end to the happy times
Just as how Sakura falls its leaves
For when time does not allow
It has to accede and wait.

Yet a cherry blossom
Despite looking stagnant and still on other seasons
Preserves a life in its entirety
And is not dead as you may expect.

Because its love for life is alive
As it symbolizes everything of its people
For when bloom comes a year
It's really worth the wait.

I can't take this pain anymore.
I love you, Goodbye.


Predicaments: On Being Perfectly Imperfect

There are a lot of things in life that we aspire and hope for. 

These are motivations to people in their everyday living. These are things that others look forward to which gives them the fuel to live their lives fully. Indeed, a contented person is a person living in temporal facets of life. Because a person exists for other people, live his life with those people and gauge his life to the views of people around him. And that fact couples to the idea that people live in insecurities. 

We always come to say there could have been a better me if I were someone else. But you might not know, that someone else hoped a life you’ve lived not of its own value but of forth comings to overthrow anyone ahead of you. 

We can say that the elusive nature of satisfaction catalyzes the spice we feel in our lives. To other people, they believe that living for wants is the reason of waking up in the morning. Every morning, as I read a verse in the Bible, a lot of realization comes into me. Most of which are things we would reproach for as obvious, yet we didn’t do anything to attest to its word. 

There are things that we only come to believe when we’re able to experience it because we feel that other people’s experiences aren’t enough to validate that fact.

 Everyone has a unique perspective of life. I once thought that the only people with which we should have emotional attachments are families. But as time unfolds, we come to share our lives with our friends, then to other people that we believe are special. Yet at this moment, we come to face a lot of constraints. 

Sometimes, our prioritization of choices massively involves compromising a certain party for the benefit of the other. Despite all efforts to strike a balance on all interests, bullshit happens and everything else turned out to be a crap. My life is a planned life. Before I take choices for myself, my parent’s discretion is way ahead of me. Those are choices under the assumption that they don’t believe me in making things out for myself. In my high school, I chose to study in a school 37 kilometers away from home. So I think, it pretty means setting off from my parents. At least they respected my decision. 

Things have changed a lot from that day forward. I became more responsible to myself. I managed to earn on my own. I am not asking money from them anymore. Up ‘till now I still can’t explain how I survived those years. Call me rogue cause I really am. But now, I feel like I’ve lost so much time I should have spent with my family. That’s why I always find myself going home every weekend these months. I realized, I made heavy decisions way too early.

But beyond that, I still crave for things I should have done when I was any younger. I just got mature in a very young age. Now, I envy young people of my ages who haven’t separated from their family. But at the same time, I pity those people who don’t really know the real value of a home, of respecting parents and loving siblings. Despite the fact that I am away from them, I can still feel their love for me. Now this gets even more random. So yes, I am the type of person who wanted to be loved. I think that’s the commonality that everyone above the earth really wanted, so that doesn't really prove the exclusivity on me. I'm perfectly imperfect.


On my academics

Just right now, I realized I'm being negligent with my academics.
I don't really study the same way I study in the past.
When I was in high school, I always view for excellence.
Right now, I'm so contented with a passing score.
So there must be a reform.
Well apparently, I remember saying this last semester but it didn't happen.
Maybe the college atmosphere contributes to the fact that aiming high in academics isn't really a great value.
That's for me. I don't know with others.
So how exactly will I even deal with it?
Because I'm quite complacent.
I'm confident that I will pass all my subjects this semester.
But am I really sure that it will be translated to its tangible ends?
Will I wait for the time that I would get a failure mark in my evaluation?
There's still finals.
I can do more to push things to its assurance.
I need to do more.
I need a study habit.
I have chosen Chemical Engineering. And this is the constraint.

Okay. I'll share some funny stuff in my academics.
There is this boring teacher of mine (it's highly relative, but for most of us, she is).
Yesterday, when we are having our class, I wrote a paper that she is a walking sleeping pill.
And I have it passed to all of my classmates.
Just after it reached the last person to read the note, a student entered the classroom and have something signed by our teacher.
So that's 5 minutes of luck. No boredom.
I just don't know. But her voice will really entice my whole body to sleep.
Just right after she's about to present the lesson again, another teacher came to ask something about the Boracay trip for the teachers. And it took them 10 minutes talking outside. 10 minutes of liberty, I'm safe and kept on chatting with my classmates.
When she came back, she talked about the lesson.
2 minutes after, the person who carries the evaluation form came in and asked us to evaluate our teacher. So that would be 15 minutes.
After the 15 minutes, the brownout started.hahaha

What a lucky day. Just so right, the 1 1/2 hours lecture was over.

So this is me. Not listening to my teacher at all. I sleep in class. I talk with my seatmates. And photocopy their notes. And when I come home, I've lost the photocopy (it happened many times)

I am complacent. If I could have done something to prevent this, I shouldn't have all these apprehensions at all.

Reform. I am detached from my academics already. And I can't afford to fail.
Achieve. Don't rely on luck.
Everything has to be paid with hard work.



This year really started a full blast for me.
Everything is almost perfect as it is.
Almost all the losses that I had last year were quite redeemed.
Well, I actually have three and all of which are supplemented just within the three months of 2011.

Let's start with the first, the loss of the cheque.
Finally, the loss was compensated after we were able to track who got the cheque I've lost in the hallway October last year.

Secondly, is the most unexpected win in the 23rd Mindanao Parliamentary Debate Championship in Davao City last February 18-20. Unexpected in a sense that we didn't really prepare that much for that competition particularly. I think I have practiced only thrice with my teammates before that contest. But I'm really so proud for both of them. They really brought me up. But beyond our team, I'm so so happy with the performance of our contingent in general. First time, in the history of MIDV, did we ever rank as 1st and 2nd in the breaks. It's really perfect. You know I have lots of apprehensions before that competition, the fear of not being able to break. Our newbie team is really astounding. They ranked 18th out of 48 teams, that's so amazing already. Imagine how this competition happened to be their first for a lot more upcoming tourneys. And they performed that well. Apparently, we never ranked when I first competed. I lost a lot of times before I broke and become a debate champion.(my MPDC semi's last semester is the most sucking debate performance I ever had with a big audience).

Thirdly, is this global opportunity.I've been very thankful that I am selected as one of the 7 Filipinos to represent the Philippines in the Study of the United States Summer Institutes New Media and Politics Course. I am very excited to finally go to US this July. But before this brand of happiness that I am feeling now,all the kind of depression have entrenched my system already. Like the fact that I am one of the 17 Philippine Finalists for the Global UGRAD opportunity last year but was not selected in the final screening in Washington DC. Or maybe the fact that I was 46th and waitlisted in the 21st International Youth Forum by NCYOK in South Korea which brings 45 international delegates last year. I've waited and never lost hope. Finally, God has left me something. I'm bound to realize that everything is meant to happen as they are. There's a reason for everything. And as I've said in my recent blog post, they come in our lives on a certain specified time frame.

Happy and healthy family, very supportive friends and classmates, and a special someone.
All those people made me the person I am today.


On Choices

This world is a world of apprehensions, of doubts and confusion.
Life, as we may see it in a very temporal way, is a LIFE in a world of billion people trying their best to have a place in this world.
As we may say that life is too complex,there are people that we encounter in life and all of them have a purpose.
They come in our lives in a time-specific because that's the way for them to serve their purpose.
We never know what life may bring us.
We always come to say the kind of choice that we make for our lives set our own destinies.
But if that would be the logic, where's the idea of predestination we used to believe?
Where is the exercise to religion and belief to fate comes in?
More likely, life is a manifestation of everything that we do in our lives.
If we settle to be like this for a certain time, the brunt of that particular choice is something that you will bear for the rest of your life.
For many times in the past, I have reproached myself for certain choices that I've made.
The choice of school, the choice of being rogue to my parents (quite a bit), the choice of being taciturn, the choice of not being able to prepare on exams that badly needs one and a lot more.
Recently, I've realized that not all choices are as founded and rational as they are.
There are choices that we do simply because we're driven with our emotions already and the choice is a choice under duress.
There are choices that we make for ourselves simply because we're placed in a straight jacket condition and we feel that the world has placed all the double-standards on us.
Either ways, the sad reality of life is, we are still the ones who will be held accountable in everything that we do.
Most particularly, there are options we make simply because we don't wanna inflict harm or hurt to other people.
There are choices that we do for we simply would want to accede to the demands of the society.
The culture that we are into are preconditions to a lot of choices.
For example, we're not allowed to marry our siblings or cousins because we're preconditioned to think that it's a social taboo.
All these things, couples to the fact that your life isn't fully a life of your own choice.
It's a life maligned to take state's interest, or your familial discretion for you.
This is the saddest reality of social hierarchy, and we need to embrace it.

March 7, 2011 11:45 AM


Love Satisfies

Everyone wants to feel that they are special. People desire for uniqueness that is why if someone belongs to a group, they look for something that separates them from each other. They keep building walls after walls and make labels after labels. We wonder why society has become more and more complicated from generation to generation because it must have been caused by our simple craving to be satisfied by fame, attention and too much of narcissism when all we truly need is to LOVE and be LOVED.
When you keep looking outside and be motivated by the praises around, we are exchanging ourselves’ value to rotten tomatoes. It’s like trading all the groceries you just bought from the supermarket to a cat’s poop. Let’s open our eyes; your worth is even more that those groceries – it’s immeasurable and truly irreplaceable. You see, as civilization progresses, we find more and more excuses such as fathers has to do work overtime or why mothers must be there at the office. We have made lives turn from fast to superfast and then everything we do turns out to be all accelerated that we forget to live by the moment but to keep looking forward to what is about to happen. Our minds and hearts were made to be people of tomorrow, no longer people of today. Enjoyment becomes superficial because we have allowed world to dictate us who we should be and why we should do things accordingly that we miss our real essence.
Have you ever imagined a butterfly trying to live under the sea because he thinks he was not meant to fly? Close your eyes and think of where you are right now and then try to answer this - Are you contented? If you ask me, I would answer a big NO because truly even me is not satisfied with what I have. If you are that butterfly we talked about, you must have been moving beyond your limits to dance when you were really made to paint and write. Must have been that at some point of our lives, we desired that we all have everything we need, every talent that anyone could have and up to the brink of reality we move to the galaxy of dreams where we once thought if I was superman or cat woman - I would have made a difference?
We seek love and we confuse it for attention driven by self centeredness and selfishness, and confuse loving for the word popular. Yes, I thought I heard you say I’m Mr. Know-it-all but I am not and I have lot of things to learn in this life. I always thought that if I keep pleasing people around me, the smile inside would keep burning but instead it almost died. As I turn my head back, I realized that we are made to love and be loved. You must have run though life long enough but admit to yourself that the best fuel is not hate or anger but LOVE. If you’re a Solar Car, definitely sunlight must have been your fuel but the difference is you’re a live being. You are not a robot machine that needs kerosene or gasoline in order to work.
Making things complicated is always man’s way of understanding and I admit to that fact that we always see things in complexity when all were made to be simple. Definitely, we look for specifics in life and so do I for I always desire for some place where I can be truly happy, some job that will truly satisfy and define who I am, and some reasons why I should be doing things the way things should be because I really don’t know what it should be.
Your head must be confused upon reading the whole bits and pieces but one thing I want to share with you. Love is all you need and whatever you’re looking in your life at the moment – Fill your heart with LOVE and I bet you –IF ITS LOVE, IT SATISTIES and even OVERFLOWS. =D

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